To Be a Writer, One Just Has to Write

These are the things I’ve always said I would do if I had more TIME:

• More: Writing, Exercising, Painting, Take Photos, Flossing, Traveling, Seeing Friends, Sleeping, Reading

• Less: Eating, Drinking, Looking at my Phone, Playing Bejeweled, Reading the News/Twitter/FB

• Learn: A New Language, to Play the Piano, Pottery Making, Meditation, Yoga

Here we are, with all the time in the world, and guess what? I’m not making much progress. Are you? I’m guessing you, also, have a list of things that you think you’ve always wanted to do. Perhaps go back and read a diary from your teenage years or look at your New Year’s Resolutions from a decade ago. Are you like me, where these ways to improve have long been on your to-do list? Why do we do this to ourselves?

I’ve had more than enough time in the past two months of #SaferAtHome to tackle several items on this long-standing list, but in fact, there is only one that is appealing to me at all: exercising. Which is weird since I have never thought of myself as a fitness fan (and if you’ve seen me over the years, you’ll know that’s true!). But there is something about this pandemic that has me clamoring to be outside, moving my body, feeling the sun on my face and the wind at my back. So, each day, I’ve been walking, or hiking, or biking, or climbing my stairs, or doing stretches, or planks or whatever. Wherever possible, I’m going outside and moving. I’ve lost 15 pounds already. And to my surprise, there are some added benefits: I am sleeping more, taking more photos, eating less, and drinking less. I haven’t focused on any of those other things; they’ve merely happened as I’ve spent more time moving. Maybe in times of stress, when my brain thinks and emotes too much, I prefer to exhaust my physical body as a way to submerge mental negativity. That’s happened before.

Anyway, the items on the “learn” list have been there for decades. I think I must admit to myself that they are pipe dreams. If I really wanted to do them, I would have done so by now. For some reason, I think they will make me a better person, but clearly my heart isn’t in it. At this age, I think it’s time to release the dream. It belongs in someone else’s life.

On the “less” list, there are some items I know would be REALLY good for me, mainly connected with my phone. What did I do before I had this Apple device? I remember doing crossword puzzles from the NYTimes, but why am I besotted with online Bejeweled. My children have been begging me to remove the following apps from my phone: Facebook, Twitter, Bejeweled, Solitaire, Mah Jongg, and Google News. I always have the option of looking at those sites on my laptop, but when I press that little iPhone button that tells me the amount of screen time I spend (no! don’t look!), I’m horrified. Yet something stops me from removing the apps. I need a huge dose of courage (or a lot of encouragement here) to take the plunge. I know I would have a ton more time in my day. What will I fill it with? Oh, some of those things in the “more” category.

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In particular, I’ve always said that I want to write more. Writing a book has been on my to-do list for probably 4 decades. How much of this imaginary book is written? About 5000 words. And I did that this past week. Something tells me that if I deleted the apps from my phone, I’d have to find a way to fill the hours, and writing might just be one of them, and yet I am hesitating. Probably a fear of failure. What will I write about? Will anyone care? Who am I writing a book for? Is there any point if it never gets published? Writing is HARD. Writing well, or daily, is torture.

That’s why I started this blog; to give myself a structure to write more. Last blog post was two months ago. My plan isn’t working out very well. We tell ourselves, during this pandemic, to be kind, patient, gentle, aware that our mental health may not be at its best. I can use that as a reason not to write. Excuse me, I’m busy playing Bejeweled! Yet I know that I am letting myself down, letting fear of failure stop me from trying. Surely, if I can spend hours a day hiking or cycling, I can be disciplined enough to spend 30 minutes writing. Just 30 minutes. So here goes. Thanks for reading.