We started our journey by identifying our values. We did this because knowing who you authentically are is crucial to deciding how to behave in various situations. While knowing our values matters, what we must learn to do is LIVE our values. In other words, if we say we value “kindness”, for example, it becomes hypocritical to spend time gossiping. Nothing about gossip is kind. Once we attune to our values, it’s easier to identify those behaviors that cause inner conflict. Over time, our conscience drives our actions, and we are in alignment, or we make a correction when we find we are out of alignment.
As we discussed in the last post, it’s crucial that we identify OUR core values, not those imposed on us by our parents, friends, society, media, etc. This is difficult work, teasing through all the various messages we have received since childhood. Common ones for women include being “nice”, being a “good girl”, being “of service”, putting ourselves last, staying quiet, staying you, and staying small (both figuratively and literally). We awaken when we realize these “values” are put on us by the patriarchy, but they aren’t who we are; we were not born with these values.
Living in alignment with our values is the journey of our lives because we will constantly be tested to see if we are strong enough to be true to ourselves. So when we walk into a room and others are gossiping, to continue that example, will we join in the conversation and bad-mouth someone who isn’t there, or will we live our value of “kindness” and find another way, whether that is saying something to the group or leaving the room.
The Say/Do Gap
When our behavior does not match our values, the authors of “Spark*”, one of my favorite coaching books call that our “say/do gap”. I love this expression because it clearly states the issue: we say one thing and do another. Anyone who has helped raise a child knows that the child watches what you do, far more than what you say. It is your actions that truly speak your truth. Words can be easy to come by; actions are the real deal. For example, if you say that you value respect, we have to include self-respect, and if you work at a company that doesn’t allow you time to eat your lunch, use the restroom, take a break between endless zoom calls – or if you don’t allow yourself those items of self-care – then you have a say/do gap. If you work all day without a break for food, exercise, human functions, or self-care, then you are not practicing self-respect. You are abusing yourself. Yes, I know that many companies operate on a 24/7 work cycle, and that there is an expectation that you are always available and that your own needs come last. We have to push through that; we have to fight against that because it’s wrong. One easy way to do this is to control your work calendar. Go ahead and reschedule, for the rest of the calendar year, a lunch break. Block out the time on your calendar, every single day. Remain protective of this time. I don’t care if you decide to eat lunch, take a walk, meditate, call a friend, or whatever during this time, but you must give yourself this act of self-respect. Make the calendar meeting private; it’s no one’s business what you do with your private time. This includes your boss.
Prioritizing You
Many young people I meet struggle to get control of their schedules. I constantly hear they are “overwhelmed”, that there is too much work, that it’s never-ending, that the expectations are too high, that there is no time to think/write, and that they will be fired if they don’t offer themselves up every minute of the day. We know this is wrong – bosses/companies/industries might expect that, but it’s wrong. So what will you do about it? This is where you lean on your values, narrow your say/do gap (to include yourself in whatever values you espouse), and stand strong in protecting your rights. You are hired to do a job; if that job doesn’t have a clearly defined job description, then that is step #1. You must agree with your boss what your job entails because until you know that, you are doing everything and anything. I think of a job description as a contract: you will do this, and we will pay you that. That’s why every job posting has a job description, and if you don’t currently have a job description, your company will write one up when you leave, so they might as well write it now.
The job description is your negotiating point. If you are spending time doing a ton of stuff that isn’t in your job description, your company is taking advantage of you, and you need to have a conversation with your direct supervisor to correct this. Yes, I know there are some industries – start-ups, nonprofits, and the entertainment industry come to mind – where there is a notion of “do what it takes” to survive. In many of these, they talk a good game of service, creativity, support of artists/community, making the world better … and yet, their actions are none of those things. It’s a huge say/do gap. You cannot be a company that says you are trying to make the world better when you burn out your employees, pay a poverty wage, and take advantage of good-hearted people. So what do YOU do about that?
We can only live our own values. Thankfully, we live in a country where we get to decide where we work. Yes, there are consequences. We have to weigh those and make our decisions. If we decide to stay somewhere toxic, we have to accept we are doing that – there is no point in complaining because you make a decision every day to return to that toxic place. Can you work internally to make it better? Of course, and you should speak your truth. You know you aren’t the only one who feels overwhelmed. But remember the difference between problem solving and whining. If all you want to do is complain about the work overload/culture, then you are part of the problem. If you are willing to have the courageous conversations and suggestion solutions, then you are on different ground. Which one is living your values?
How Do You Speak To Yourself
The most important conversations are the ones you have with yourself. How do you speak to yourself? Do you practice your values AND include yourself in them? When you say you want to live in a world that practices acceptance and inclusion, do you include yourself? Most people are far harder on themselves than on anyone else, so living our values begins with how we treat ourselves. Are we perpetuating institutional inequality by putting ourselves last? Let’s support each other in not doing that.
In order to be our best selves and live our best lives, we have to go inwards and nurture our burgeoning spirit. We must protect ourselves from the negative and repressive cultural messages we receive from our families, the media, the workplace. We must talk gently to ourselves, as we would to our best friend. Our values must, first and foremost, apply to ourselves. This is true both at work and away from work. While my coaching practice focuses on the workplace, I see people struggling to be authentic in all aspects of life. Remember, our capitalist culture was created by white men to bring wealth to white men. The rest of us, and even most white men, have been used as tools to create wealth for others. It’s way past time to end that. You can make a difference by putting yourself first, by leaning into your values to determine what is best for YOU. That may mean having a challenging conversation. Or it may mean leaving your current job. Or it may mean choosing to suck it up for a while, but I beg you to have an exit plan if you do that. In the next post, we’ll discuss the first option, having a challenging conversation with your boss.
* "Spark: How To Lead Yourself and Others to Greater Success" by Angie Morgan, Courtney Lynch and Sean Lynch.
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