Every leadership journey starts with leading ourselves. Before we can discuss work topics like prioritization, promotion, managing up, dealing with challenging colleagues, etc., we have to start by learning to manage ourselves. To be authentic in the workplace, as in life, starts with knowing who we are … vs who society tells us we should be. No matter your upbringing, you’ve received messages throughout your life that define certain characteristics as positive.
If you are male, this translates into being strong, competitive, and ambitious. If you are female, the messages are usually about being nice, helping others, and adhering to the cultural ideas of beauty and/or motherhood. Religious organizations push specific values to the forefront. Schools push certain values. Our parents, our communities, the media – all of these entities promote values. We take in all these messages of who we are supposed to be, how we are supposed to act, but few of them are really our essential selves. Indeed, our culture of patriarchy, which is a negative force for both men and women, and especially people of color, coupled with capitalism and American ideals of exceptionalism/individuality, push forward values that are contrary to healthy individuals and communities such as working 24/7, always being “on”, and never being able to say “no” (that’s selfish!). Communities break down, and everyone feels overworked, underappreciated, and often lonely. We must push back against these toxic ideals. We start with ourselves.
Below, I detail exercises to help you define your own values, not those impressed upon you by others in your life. Later, we will lean into those values to help you stop self-defeating behaviors, to sleep better at night, to have those difficult conversations you’ve been putting off, to stand up for yourself. To bring your true self to the office or workplace.
Whatever job you have currently, whether it’s an entry level position or the Executive Directorship of a nonprofit, being authentic in the workplace comes from knowing your values. Until you know who you really are, what drives you, what pricks at your conscience, what matters deeply to your being, it’s impossible to show up authentically at the office. Leadership starts – and truly always is – an inside job. And so, the best place to figure out what authenticity looks like, not just in the office, but in life itself, is to home in on your core values. The most important key in identifying your values is to link them to behavior. It’s in our behaviors, especially in times of crisis, that our values show through. How do you treat someone when they can do nothing for you? How do you respond in an emergency? How do you make a decision between two imperfect choices? How do you talk to yourself?
Exercises to Identify Your Core Values
It’s best to order a set of values cards (google personal values cards), individual cards that have values written on them, often with blank cards so you can add your own value if it’s missing. Once you get the cards, be prepared to sit with them for a few weeks. This isn’t something that can be done in a few minutes: it takes time to really know yourself. Take your pack of cards and spread them out. If there are ones that seem similar, and you struggle to select one – let’s say “security” and “stability” – then write a little definition of each one so you can get to the true meaning. In this example, I might define security as “feeling safe” whereas stability is “things staying the same”. Try removing cards those that you know are NOT your values. The goal in this first round is to get to 15 values.
Then stop. Pick up the deck again in a week and see if the same 15 feel true. If so, see if you can get to 10. Again, it’s often far easier to discard a value then to pick from the top down. When you get to ten cards, it’s time to start thinking about behaviors. While we sometimes struggle to see our own behaviors in light of our values, it’s easier to see this in someone else. My coaching partner and I often have clients watch one of their favorite movies and try to identify the values of the characters. See who you admire and ask why. Look at the characters you don’t like and ask if you disapprove of their values. Is it because you see yourself in them? Do they show you your shadow side? Try and get yourself to five value cards. By now, I hope that those top five have some kind of definition on them. Sit with them for another week and try to finalize that definition.
Ready for a test? Give the entire deck of cards to a loved one, someone who spends a lot of time with you, knows you well, and wants what’s best for you. Ask them to identify your top five. They will select the cards based on who they SEE every day, meaning how you act, how you respond in a crisis, how you deal with a challenge. If they get four or five right, well done. If they pick only one or two, you may be picking cards that are who you WANT to be, rather than who you are. Or perhaps you are hiding your true self in some way, acting out in ways that are out of alignment with your values.
If you’ve done this exercise before, it’s worth doing again. Our values change over time, and I think this is natural and right. The things I valued at 25 changed after having children and then changed again when I moved into management, and then changed again as an empty-nester, and I feel them changing again as I move to part-time work.
The last time I did my values was three years ago, and here were my top 5: wisdom, fun, responsibility, integrity, independence. How do I know these are right for me? Because if my behavior is out of alignment with one of them – let’s say I am late for an appointment – I’m bothered immensely. I’m angry at myself. I cannot sleep. I need to make amends. My conscience pricks at me until I correct myself. Once you are in tune with your values, you will feel the same.
The key component of team success is trust. Here’s the deal in any group/relationship: trust is created through consistency, authenticity, and respect for yourself and others. When you live your values, when your values determine your behaviors, when you become a values-based human, people respond. They see the authenticity. You are consistent because your values guide your decisions. You respect your own values, and that leads you to respect those of others, because you know their values are intrinsically who they are, inside, away from their position, politics, likes and dislikes. As you found when you did the exercise, all the values have merit.
In the next blog post, we will explore how we bring our values to work, and use them to help us deal, authentically, with others, and importantly, to manage ourselves.
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