Stop Making Yourself Miserable

I hope this post finds you healthy, both mentally and physically, as we go through one of the world’s most stressful times. The new year always pushes me to reflect on the year gone, and create some goals for the year ahead. As I’ve matured, these have become far less trivial (e.g. lose 10 pounds, save more money) and far more aspirational, looking to work through the thoughts in my head that make me miserable, and to think beyond myself to what I can do for others. This year, following on a divisive election and our hyper-partisan response to a public health crisis, I find myself reflecting on judgment: how I judge myself, how I judge others, and how our cultural norms judge us all.

I find myself to be a hotbed of judgment: I judge others for their political views, for their covid actions (or lack thereof), for their blind ambition, for their privilege, for their isolationism, for their joy during this time, for their emphasis on what divides us, and for their cult-like following of a man I see as a liar and grifter. I take my daily walk and see others without a mask, and I am filled with anger, telling myself they are covid scofflaws, they don’t care about the community, they must be covid deniers, and so much more. All this negative chatter in my head: all completely inferred. I know nothing about these people, neither their life stories nor their current situations, yet I am able to instantly judge them as worse than me. Yes, it’s a comparison, and I get to feel virtuous by being “better” than them.

My daughter, truly my Muse of Compassion, helps me realize that all this judgment is misguided, that it is “othering” people, which disconnects me from humanity, and that my time is better spent focusing on how to create a positive impact. Not only do I need to do this for others, but for myself. My self-judgment can be equally harsh, disconnecting me from this exceptional journey called life. My word for the year ahead is KINDNESS, for myself and others.

I learn best via the written world, so I’ve been plunging myself into a variety of books to learn about privilege, diversity, and acceptance. One of these was a recommendation by my LSE book club: “Happy Ever After” by Paul Dolan, professor of behavioral science at the London School of Economics. This research heavy book addresses our social norms, the judgments around them, and how we make ourselves and others miserable because of our belief in them. The book walks us through three Western narratives we fundamentally believe, even though they can bring misery to our lives: Professor Dolan calls them “reaching, related, and responsible”. Each narrative has sub-categories that get closer to how we define “right”; for example, in the “reaching” narrative, he looks at our cultural push towards being wealthy, successful, and educated. He then presents evidence to show that chasing, and even achieving, these dreams doesn’t always cause happiness, and that, as a culture, we are reluctant to assume one can be happy if they are not wealthy, successful and/or educated. If our goal in life is to create more happiness, he encourages us to see the cultural narratives as false demands, and to make our own choices.

The chapters on “related” really hit hard for me, because being “married, monogamous, and having children” was so part of my upbringing, to the point that I have honestly believed one could not be happy if one were not in a monogamous marriage with children. I’ve judged myself terribly in terms of relatedness, often calling myself a poor friend, a loner, unlovable, too unattractive/bossy/independent to ever find a partner, and far more. Additionally, I’ve long felt the sting from well-meaning friends: “you’ll meet someone soon” because what I hear is the unsaid words “you’ll be far happier when you meet someone.” It’s taken a lot of time and therapy to realize that isn’t true for me. I’ve now been single for 20 years, and am perfectly happy, in fact, happier than I have ever been when coupled. I’ve had to think through my actions to understand this, because whenever I’ve had the option to not be single, I’ve actually shied away from it. And wondered what is wrong with me. This book helped me see that nothing is wrong; that many people prefer independence and singledom. There is no right way. Some folks are happier being married or monogamous or being parents, but many have chased that dream and wonder why they aren’t happy, and many who don’t chase those dreams are made to feel they are wrong or incomplete. This social construct can make us miserable, and also cause us to judge others who might make different choices. Professor Dolan stresses that “singles are more socially connected than their married counterparts who appear to have become more insular” absolutely rings true for me. Some people have deep relationships with one person; others have a far wider social network, but perhaps not at the same depth. It’s taken me a long time to accept (and it still isn’t every day!) that I am happier amongst many than with “the one”.

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The book’s final narrative is “responsibility”, focusing on altruism, health, and volition. I found it fascinating how the research debunks the idea of free-will, which is such a huge part of privilege, the notion that we have more because we earned it. Some say that even believing in free will is a pillar of privilege. With research, Dolan shows that most of our decision making (and therefore our circumstances) is influenced by factors outside of our control: our genetic make-up, the environment in which we were raised and currently live, the basic needs that may/may not have been met, and the strokes of luck/misfortune which is truly randomness.

The notion of American Exceptionalism is that if you work hard, you can be anything. There is no data that proves this to be true, and in fact, the largest percentage of people end up in similar circumstances to their parents. Science shows that it’s incredibly hard, regardless of what social class one is born into to migrate up. I’m especially cognizant of how we shame those born into the working classes with this falsehood, positing that they can escape poverty if they just work harder (ignoring the notion that most work far harder than those in the middle/upper classes). Even worse, I’ve been guilty of thinking that happiness always comes from moving up the ladder. No one wants to be working class, right? What if moving into the middle class actually makes you more miserable? What if some of our working-class heroes are happier than some of our middle-class strivers, or even some of our richest whiners. I try to remember that privilege – financial, emotional, educational – can make us more insular, fearful of protecting what we have, and far less concerned about the community good. This pandemic forces us all to think about our communities in new ways, to recognize that we are all only as healthy as our most vulnerable, and to recommit to moving away from isolationist thinking – “If I’m ok, then I don’t need to worry” – and to see our common humanity and interconnectedness. Truly, I am only ok if all are ok.

Our values are shaped by our upbringing, by the role models in our lives, and while those of us born into the middle-class were often told to be ambitious, to strive for more, to protect our money from taxes, and to take care of ourselves first – individualism, if you will – I see that those of us born into insecurity often create far more connected worlds where there is more kindness and respect for elders, more support for extended family and neighbors, and far more investment in making communities healthy and inclusive for all. It’s taken me far too long to recognize that I can learn so much from people different from me.

Profession Dolan concludes his book by saying: “behaving and misbehaving, achieving and falling short, are really all about design power and hardly at all about willpower”. If I accept his research, might I become more accepting overall when others disappoint me, whether at work, at home, or in the community? When I see those who won’t wear a mask, or who criticize those who “catch covid” as if they were profligate or ignorant, can I remember that I have the power and, indeed, the requirement to HELP rather than judge? Each of us can work to better distribute resources – both public and our own – to create a greater safety net, to better protect all in our community, to better accept those who look/act different. When I better understand that different isn’t wrong, that really there is no “other”, then I can start doing deeper internal work on inclusion, compassion, and non-judgment. This is my work for the year ahead: to address my judgmental mind, and to be more open to the exceptionalism of all people, regardless of their circumstances, decisions, or belief. The only person I can change is myself, and rather than judge, my time would be better spent looking at how I can engage more fully in this magical journey of life. Happy New Year!

If something I’ve said here inspires you to comment, or generates a desire to have a deeper conversation about this, please feel free to reach out. I welcome the discussion.